||[Jun. 20th, 2003|12:18 pm]
|||||The rain on my window||]|
My summer is not turning out the way I hoped, and I should know by now not to expect a fun, relaxing summer. Not that my summers are never enjoyable, but my expectations always seem to high, and I experience them with bitterness and annoyance.
Work is as usual. They tell me they can't give me the hours I need or want, but the lazy fuck offs which make up the majority of their staff never fail me. So I'm not only getting hours, but hours I don't want because people just don't show up to work. I've actually had the balls to suggest they fire the bastards, or maybe actually interview them before they are hired. And the only reason I said anything is because I don't appreciate the calls at 5 in the morning telling me to come in right away. and of course, since I'm scheduled in the evening too, I have to spend 13 or 14 hours on my feet, running around doing not only my work but the work of the stoned high school kid sleeping on the dead animal freezer, and his half retarded friend spending the majority of his day staring at the wall or wandering off to pick his nose in the bathroom. At least I'm making money though right?
So my grandfather had his hips replaced, and of course something had to go wrong and now he is delusional and they don't really know why. Lack of oxygen to the brain? Liver problems? Who knows. So I'm going to lovely Oklahoma on Tuesday to help his wife take care of him. There goes my vacation time. I volunteered to go out there because I love my grandfather and I want to help, but I am kicking myself in the ass for expecting a vacation when I knew deep down I wasn't going to get one. My vacation from school is a whole new set of problems, and it sucks because I was expecting to have no worries. Stupid me.
And my father, my lovely father. It is amazing to me that he thinks by spying, invading our privacy, and then going behind our backs to incriminate us, we will want to have a better relationship with him. Yes, these journals are posted on the internet, and yes we made the choice to express ourselves in a public way, but normal people who have normal ways of interacting with other human beings do not print out someone elses entire live journal and pass it around saying "look how fucked up my kid is". Thats all I'm going to say about that. That man never ceases to amaze me, I will give him that.
And then theres the boy. The boy who has me so confused I honestly dont whether to get rid of him, or marry him. I love him, but I can't make it work. It doesn't work and I keep hoping it will. When is that cut off time? Theres that period when you know its over and time to move on, when things are no longer changing, even though they need to be. 2 years? 3 years? 6 months? I don't want to waste my time, and I don't want to waste his, but its hard to let him go. And letting him go might be a mistake. Either way, my heart is breaking because I have lost that little bit of hope I had been holding on to.
God, this is depressing. I'm going to taco bell.