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im back, for now [Nov. 12th, 2004|06:04 pm]
[mood |distresseddistressed]
[music |Amelie Sountrack]

So it's been about a year since I posted. I'm not even sure why I'm back here, I just don't know what else to do.

I had to put Lucy to sleep yesterday. I never thought she would die, and now that she's gone I feel empty. I've been crying pretty much continuously for the past 3 days and can't seem to stop. I decided I wanted to be there with her when she died, which was hard, but I talked to her and held her and said goodbye. I thought it would be of some comfort to her if I was there and I thought it would help me deal with all of it, and I think it did to some extent, but I keep replaying it all in my head and I just keep crying.

The fact is I don't know how to deal with it. I've never had anyone close to me die before, except grandparents but that was either before I was born or when I was really young. And the way I'm acting you would think my mother died. I've never really had to grieve before and I don't think I'm doing a very good job of it. I woke up this morning and heard no barking, went out in the kitchen to see her collar laying on the counter and just broke down.

I don't know what to do with myself. I'm trying to keep busy but every time I pause I start crying again and it takes a lot to stop myself. I can't believe she's gone.
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Summatime. [Jun. 20th, 2003|12:18 pm]
[mood |sadsad]
[music |The rain on my window]

My summer is not turning out the way I hoped, and I should know by now not to expect a fun, relaxing summer. Not that my summers are never enjoyable, but my expectations always seem to high, and I experience them with bitterness and annoyance.

Work is as usual. They tell me they can't give me the hours I need or want, but the lazy fuck offs which make up the majority of their staff never fail me. So I'm not only getting hours, but hours I don't want because people just don't show up to work. I've actually had the balls to suggest they fire the bastards, or maybe actually interview them before they are hired. And the only reason I said anything is because I don't appreciate the calls at 5 in the morning telling me to come in right away. and of course, since I'm scheduled in the evening too, I have to spend 13 or 14 hours on my feet, running around doing not only my work but the work of the stoned high school kid sleeping on the dead animal freezer, and his half retarded friend spending the majority of his day staring at the wall or wandering off to pick his nose in the bathroom. At least I'm making money though right?

So my grandfather had his hips replaced, and of course something had to go wrong and now he is delusional and they don't really know why. Lack of oxygen to the brain? Liver problems? Who knows. So I'm going to lovely Oklahoma on Tuesday to help his wife take care of him. There goes my vacation time. I volunteered to go out there because I love my grandfather and I want to help, but I am kicking myself in the ass for expecting a vacation when I knew deep down I wasn't going to get one. My vacation from school is a whole new set of problems, and it sucks because I was expecting to have no worries. Stupid me.

And my father, my lovely father. It is amazing to me that he thinks by spying, invading our privacy, and then going behind our backs to incriminate us, we will want to have a better relationship with him. Yes, these journals are posted on the internet, and yes we made the choice to express ourselves in a public way, but normal people who have normal ways of interacting with other human beings do not print out someone elses entire live journal and pass it around saying "look how fucked up my kid is". Thats all I'm going to say about that. That man never ceases to amaze me, I will give him that.

And then theres the boy. The boy who has me so confused I honestly dont whether to get rid of him, or marry him. I love him, but I can't make it work. It doesn't work and I keep hoping it will. When is that cut off time? Theres that period when you know its over and time to move on, when things are no longer changing, even though they need to be. 2 years? 3 years? 6 months? I don't want to waste my time, and I don't want to waste his, but its hard to let him go. And letting him go might be a mistake. Either way, my heart is breaking because I have lost that little bit of hope I had been holding on to.

God, this is depressing. I'm going to taco bell.
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Radiohead.... [May. 22nd, 2003|10:41 am]
[mood |disappointeddisappointed]
[music |Radiohead~~~Amnesiac]

I'm sitting here surrounded by unpacked boxes. A floor covered in a mixture of clean and dirt clothes, random shoes, books, and god knows what else. And Ive been sitting here for a long time. Sitting here or lying in my bed, only leaving the house to get wasted or buy food I don't eat. That great feeling of relief I usually get at the end of yet another school year, the relief I have been longing for and looking forward to for so many months somehow never came. And I feel like I just can't move on until it comes.

I worked my ass off last semester. I studied like I never studied before. No I didn't give it "my best", but I doubt I ever will. My goal was to get 3 B+'s. Bio=B+, Legacy=B+, Linear=D.

A Linear Algebra RantCollapse )

I seem to always succeed in fucking myself over one way or another because I obviously thrive off being miserable and unsatisfied with ever aspect of my life.

I need to unpack, I need to call my job, I need to call my doctors, I need to call my friends, and I need to get the fuck out of this room. But I just can't seem to get out of this bottomless pit of self pity and disgust. And I need to turn off this damn radiohead cd that has been playing for 3 days straight.
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Surveys, Surveys, Surveys [May. 7th, 2003|08:33 am]
[mood |worriedworried]
[music |Bob Marley]

Surveys thanks to allheart cause I need to update but am too numb to think.

RandomCollapse )


Layer SurveyCollapse )

Ok I feel a little better. paper writin' time...
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Will it Ever End?? [Apr. 22nd, 2003|12:16 pm]
[mood |stressedstressed]

So I really do hate school, especially this school. My profs for the most part are spawns of satan, and i have never had to give so many goddamn presentations before in my life. Still have two more to go. God is seriously pissed at me I think, because if there is one thing I hate about school more than anything else is having to give presentations. 7 presentations in one semester. Next year, if the prof announces theres even a possibililty of presentations, I'm dropping the class. I hate them, I really do.

So Miss Stacy finally got a car. Four years without a car, in Seattle of all places. I don't know how she got through that. '99 white civic, 31,000 miles. Mines a 2001 with 33,000. Hmmm...I think I may be driving too much. She named it Lucy after my dog. I almost died of laughter when she told me this. The funny thing is, she venoumously hate my dog. So of course I ask her why on earth would she name her wonderful new car after a dog she believes to be the reincarnation of hitler, and she said she wanted to bring some good back to the name lucy. i named my car Sexy when i first got it but i might have to reevaluate that. so she might be moving to the east coast after graduation. omfg, that would be so great. ive decided im going to fly out to her graduation and kidnap her if her parents give her any shit. i think the fucking weather up there is finally getting to her. 9 months of freezing weather, 3 months of quasi-spring, with 364 days of rain. ick.

ok schedule for today...shower, linear algebra, dinner, linear algebra, sleep, linear algebra. fuck yeah its gonna be a fun day.
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I'm a freak...I really am [Apr. 7th, 2003|12:18 pm]
[mood |annoyedannoyed]
[music |Rufie~~sexy gay canadian singers rock my world.]

So there is something seriously wrong with me, I've decided. In the past week, I've managed to burn myself on a lamp, cut my finger on a textbook, and then this morning, i slashed my hand with tweezer. Seriously what kind of idiot manages to put to huge gashes in their hand with a pair of fucking tweezers. Note to self: don't try to open packages with tweezers.
Then I get in the shower and am having a really hard time effectively cleaning myself due to all of my open wounds on various part of my body, and of course I have to add more damage to my body by hitting the stupid soup dish with my head, which caused I bigass lump, and then the dish proceeded to fall on my foot and give me a bruise. God damn. I mean i've always been slightly clumsy but this is ridiculous. I think I need more xanax or something. More to come later today...I need to get some work done.
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I'm back...for now. [Apr. 2nd, 2003|10:01 pm]
[mood |depresseddepressed]
[music |internet radio]

So yeah its been a while. Don't really know what the fuck is going on with me. I think I've been doing some seriously cycling and don't want to admit it to myself, hence the reason I have been avoiding updating this stupid thing...

I guess I could review the events of the past 10 or so days but it would just take up space and it is really quite pointless. The bottom line is I feel like shit. I can't get anything done and I fuck everything up when I try to get stuff done. To top it all off, I have never felt this fucking bipolar in my entire life. I've been somewhat stable for the past year or so, relatively speaking, and I have actually missed it. I missed my up days and had seemed to forget about my down days. Now that its back I remember why I used to get so damn angry at the world. I shouldn't
have to feel like this. It is not fair that I am so fucking overwhelmed with guilt for no apparent reason. My NY shrink said my depressed states are "somewhat psychotic in nature" and I always thought she was crazy. When I think of psychosis, I think of hallucinating and weird fucking behavior, but I kind of realize now what she meant. When I get like this, I feel like a horrible, evil, ugly person who does not deserve to live among the genuinely good people in this world. I don't deserve respect, compassion, friendship and I guess you could classify that as psychotic, since I honestly do believe these things about myself. And I never really noticed how much I shut people out when I get like this. I start to think I am not worthy of the people in my life and they don't deserve the burden of all my crazy shit.

I honestly don't know what happened. I was doing ok and now this shit is back. I feel like I should call my shrink but shes gonna want to drug me up again. I've kind of accepted that this is going on even though it took me a while, and I'm really hoping it will just pass because I don't think I have the energy or the strength to deal.

My damn fish died yesterday. Stupid fish. This was the wrong time for him to die. I even went out and spent like 10 bucks on all this medication and crap for him and he still died. Last time I buy a fish at walmart.

I have this paper due, well it was due yesterday, and I just do NOT want to do it. Its not a big deal at all really. Five pages, only a rough draft, but I can't get myself to do it, or anything else for that matter.

I think I'm gonna go smoke a couple cigarettes and maybe call miss stacy. hopefully she can cheer me up, or at least make me laugh a little. Goodnight.
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Home [Mar. 17th, 2003|02:01 am]
[mood |exhaustedexhausted]
[music |TV]

Ok so i sat down to update and decided I'm too tired to write a productive entry so I'll post tomorrow. Sorry to my fans, you'll just have to wait.
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(no subject) [Mar. 12th, 2003|09:59 pm]
A horribly long survey to waste time until I can go back to sleepCollapse )
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They read my mind [Mar. 9th, 2003|10:19 am]

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